June 2005
Monthly Archive
Mon 27 Jun 2005
Mon 20 Jun 2005
Sat 18 Jun 2005
Fri 17 Jun 2005
I’m sorry, but until a breakfast sandwich actually reaches the total number of daily recommended calories I refuse to get excited. And this is only 730. That still leaves women working to find 1070 other calories from different breakfast burgers, while men have to seek out a whopping 1470 calories. That’s, like, two more sandwiches. Burger King: you’re clearly not even trying.
Thu 16 Jun 2005
Wed 15 Jun 2005
So when I visited La Migra a couple of weeks ago to be processed for my final Scary Card, I was told that said card would arrive in a minimum of fifteen weeks, possibly as long as six months. This raised the possibility of all sorts of interesting and exciting change of address snafus. La Migra doesn’t allow its mail to be forwarded, so I anticipated long bureaucratic struggles and multiple visits to their LSM office following an inevitable misdelivery. Â
To my surprise, however, my Scary Card arrived two days ago. It took two weeks. And, shocking as it is to say this, there’s nothing like amazing efficiency to make me feel good about this country. Now zillions of dollars are being pumped into the Department of Dystopia, things have improved drastically. But two weeks instead of four months? That’s just amazing…
So thank you, America!
The new Scary Card is even more scary than my old one, largely because of the prominent Department of Dystopia logo. Aside from this, there’s a hologram of Lady Liberty shining a beacon of light onto a map of these United States, plus a scary picture of yours truly and my fingerprint. On the reverse there’s some sort of data strip that’s an inch or so wide. It’s not magnetic, but rather some other data-retaining technology that no doubt holds a disturbing amount of information about me. Along the top of the strip are what looks like 43 tiny holes. On closer examination, they turn out to be tiny portraits of every president, from Washington to Dubbya, all less than a millimetre in diameter. Along the bottom are 50 more little pictures, this time of every state flag. There’s also a tiny hologram of my face.
The good news is that I don’t have to renew it until 2015. At which point it will be replaced by a chip implanted under my skin.
In honour of my new card, here are some things I love about America:
- Barbeque… Oh man, do I love barbeque. My heart will always be with North Carolina piedmont barbeque, but I love all the barbeques.
- The weather. In the South that is. Aside from the tornadoes. And the humidity. And when it’s really, really hot. Like it will be today.
- Having a written constitution. I’m sorry, but it’s good to have that shit written down.
- Not having a monarch. Seriously. Not having a monarch is a good thing.
- That elected upper house thing. I’m no fan of the Senate as a whole, but at least it’s not appointed. Or hereditary. So as much as I go on about the benefits of a parliamentary system, at least Americans can kick their senators out (in theory).
Alright… time to do some Lifestyle Coaching.
Posted by B. W. Ventril in Miscellanea
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6 Responses to “Don’t worry about the government”
- very anonymous says:
yeah, that whole UK unwritten constitution sounded like total bullshit to me when my 8th grade history teacher told us about it. i was like, “well where the hell *is* the constitution?” Âactually, i haven’t learned much since then. where the hell is the constitution anyway? tattooed on the ass of the prince of wales?
June 15th, 2005 at 1:47 pm - dickumbrage says:
actually, in the media-scape driven world of today, britain has not one but 198479887597436876 virtual constitutions, the majority of which are maintained by bloggers just like bw ventril. the rest are just links to porn sites.  - dickumbrage says:
you can sometimes find these latter by their subject headers: Â“the Chancellor of the Exchequer does it SALLY”
“Expand the Proportion of your REPRESENTATION”
“Real B1c@meral - 2 Hott Hauses!” - very anonymous says:
Soon to be available in mega-bookstores everywhere: Elsacapuntas’ 1,000 Nights of Grrrreat Constitutions. A sampling: Â“Many people agree that the start of a great constitution is the preamble. The preamble can take many forms, from softly spoken sweet nothings to caressing of the extremities of the political body, gradually building in intensity until one can hardly resist lauching into full-on, heated constitution making…”
- dickumbrage says:
“Judicial review — a practice that opens a constitution’s every nook and cranny to scrutiny — has fallen out of favor in some more conservative chambers. However, we prefer to savor each constitution, slowly allowing the national flavor to present itself through thorough examination.”  - B. W. Ventril says:
You sick fucking bastards!
Wed 15 Jun 2005
Tue 14 Jun 2005
Civil defense propaganda really isn’t what it used to be. Back in World War Two they had great stuff like “loose lips sink ships” and “careless talk costs lives.” Unfortunately, they’re still working out the kinks in our current posters and pamphlets.
Take, for example, the pamphlet about protecting our local airport that LMV brought me today. I’m all for airport security, but this thing was clearly written by semi-literate chimpanzees. Either that or it was written in Japanese and run through the Google translator a few times. We are reminded that our “eyes and ears are critical in the war against terrorism.” Just above this are pictures of, yep you guessed it, eyes and ears. Phew… for a minute I had no idea which body parts the pamphlet was referring to. I was about to start fighting terrorism with my lymph nodes and gall bladder.
Actually it’s riddled with terrible, semi-relevant clip-art, all juxtaposed in a scary manner redolent of one of those animated graphics between Fox News segments. There’s a noble eagle’s head, placed vigilantly above a chubby yet friendly TSA official. And what’s that I see? Why it’s an airplane! I’d have had no idea that this had anything to do with airplanes if that wasn’t there.
The pamphlet reminds the reader that “you know best what activities are and are not common in and around your neighborhood.” You know: delivering mail? Good. Shoulder-fired rocket-propelled grenade launcher? Bad. We are urged to be on guard against “surveillance,” “elicitation,” “tests of security,” “suspicious persons out of place” and “deploying assets.” The latter “is the last opportunity to alert authorities before the terrorism act occurs. It is important law enforcement receives any information quickly as time is of essence.” Most importantly, “your involvement will help protect our transportation modes and might save lives.” Because it’s our very modes which are at risk. If we lose our modes then the terrorists will have won.
And that reminds me. 24 is on.
Tue 14 Jun 2005
I only have very random things to blog about, and only then in small doses. Five and a half days a week of solid Lifestyle Coaching will do that.
First, a cartoon:
Next, an observation:
- Are all dancers completely bovine? In the summer SPU hosts the Bovine Dance Festival. Dancers congregate everywhere, looking beautiful but, well, dim. So dim, in fact, that they won’t get out of your way when you’re trying to park and they’re standing in your space. Or out of the way of a moving bus (really).
Finally, a statistic:
- We own 5000 lbs of stuff. Apparently that’s not very much. And alas the people who estimated the weight of our things (for free) will charge more than we can afford to move it all to Large Southern Metropolis. So it looks like it’s a U-Haul for us, albeit with hired muscle. We’re going to buy walkie-talkies so car and U-Haul can keep in touch. So at least we’ll get walkie-talkies.
Posted by B. W. Ventril in Miscellanea
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9 Responses to “5000 lbs of pure love”
- Phil says:
5000 lbs of stuff does seem pretty light for these days. But I compliment you on your lightness.Re: the cartoon — when I was in college, the undergraduate film bulletin did fake letters to the editor including one from a well-known (and controversial/pugilistic) Judaic studies professor laughing about how Hanukah came *after* Christmas that year, which meant cheap treats for the Jewish kids. He sued.
- Lisa B says:
U-haul is the way to got–you han hire help to unload it on the other end. Moving companies WILL rip you off. They will estimate the weight of your stuff and then whe it’s time to deliver tell you it actually weighed a lot more and hold it hostage until you cough up the dough in cash. Here’s a whole web page devoted to the topic:
http://www.movingadvocateteam.com/index.htm - B. W. Ventril says:
Yeah, we’ve been quoted about $2700 to move our stuff. We can U-Haul it for $5-600, plus labour. And the cost of the walkie-talkies. I’m really excited about those. - Christa says:
dancers are not only bovine, they’re asinine. - Bear Left says:
Can I recommend NOT NOT NOT NOT NOT involving any exes in your U-Haul experience? On the bright side, if you exclude therapy costs, I kept my move from LMV’s old apartment to Southern College Town 75 min. east of Large Southern Metropolis to well under $1000. Mental duress, however, is a whole other calculation. - dickumbrage says:
dancers are not only bovine, they’re asinine.as opposed to BWVentril, who is pure quinine?
- lady macventril says:
With a little juniper thrown in for good measure. - B. W. Ventril says:
I am so quinine, it’s true. Five G&T’s a day will do that to a man.As for the move, all my exes live in Texas. Oh, wait, I mean my spouse is from Texas.
- very anonymous says:
that’s why i live in Genessee
Sun 12 Jun 2005
Finally! The fifth season of The Sopranos is out on DVD. As I don’t have HBO, I watch the series this way, a year late. And as usual, I am bowled over by how stunningly good it is. I’ve watched the first episode, and it’s stellar. And Steve Buscemi as a mobster-turned-massage therapist? How can you go wrong?
In honour of a month to be spent watching the best TV series of all time, here is a link an interview by Jon (aka Shaun Attwood) of Jon’s Jail Journal with Junior Bull Gravano, about John Gotti. Jon’s jail blog remains one of the best things I read online. He’s becoming a wonderful writer, and of course the more the rest of us can know about the prison-industrial complex the better.
On an irrelevent note, I have to gratuitously mention that this evening I’m going to see the Pixies. As someone I bumped into who recently saw them in New York said, “They’ll save your life all over again.”
Posted by B. W. Ventril in Miscellanea
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