CrankyRants.com

As a whole, we live in a pretty stupid society. Our entire shaky economy is propped up on the shambling mess of an oil industry that is too bloated with cash and power to evoke any notable changes this side of the “Kinda-Hybrid” car. That’s a car that uses “Hybrid Technology” to sell itself as a green vehicle by merging the standard fossil fuel combustion engine with a wind-powered coolant system. (Open the windows and feel the breeze.)

A quick glance through any Environmental Site or Forum will show you hundreds of people concerned about conservation and ready to take the next step towards numerous alternatives. TheEnvironmentRoom.com alone has listings for Renewable Energy in the form of Solar, Biofuel, and even Hydroelectric Power.

There in lies the problem. Average schmoes like you and me don’t work for GM or Mobil Oil. We can talk all we want about battery-enhanced cars, but we can’t build them, sell them, or in most cases even afford them.

What’s worse, the things that are actually going our way… like the numerous Ethanol plants and gas stations going up around the country… are just as susceptable to the whims of those in power. Demand for Ethanol has actually increased, but the result is an apparent rise in price of the additive, making it more expensive than regular unleaded. Who determines that price… and what are the factors involved?

So that leaves us to stare blankly at the on-coming train wreck of the 4 dollar gallon, with few national leaders twisting arms to stop it. Why halt the extra cash pouring into their personal pockets, especially when they can blame it on violence in the Middle East or uncertainty in Uruguay or whatever.

It’s the age old story: A butterfly takes a crap on a land-mine in Turkistan, and we feel the effects in our wallets over here. Makes me wish I’d installed that 400 gallon fuel reserve tank in my back yard when I had the chance 6 years ago. Coulda let the kids sell it during the summer. Screw the lemonade stand… give the public what they actually need.

After telling myself for over a year now that I have about as much reason to buy a Sony PSP as I do a glow in the dark nose ring… a lingering shadow of doubt is starting to creep in. “I’ve got an iPod and a PDA phone for games and the web,” I’d proclaim aloud, wondering who I was trying to convince. “Why would I need to drop the cash for a gameboy on steroids?”

Then an unfortunate thing happened. My nephew came over with one. Two words passed silently through my thoughts as he brought it’s shiny, glowing screen to life. “I’m screwed.”

Within minutes we had it hooked into my wireless network and we’re searching for music files from various PSP download sites and PSP movies from dailyPSPmovie.com and off we go watching classless funny videos on a screen much sharper and larger than my pda. Downloading movie trailers right to the memory card. No fumbling with conversion. It was seductively easy. My PDA seemed so small now, and lifeless. Half the gadget that it used to be.

Now Sony announces this week that the PSP will act as a remote for the PS3… and a firmware update will provide support for video RSS feeds. With the stone walls of my resistance already in shambles… the final blow arrives. Active connections to Apple’s iTunes store. Games will actually provide links to music as a reward for finishing levels.

I can’t buy one of these things. I have no reason! I can watch funny videos on other devices. I have zero freaking need to play bumping 3d games while on the road. Why browse the web for cool downloads on a PSP when I’ve got a dumpster full of actual computers in my house that can do the same thing!

Stupid Sony. Damn them and their excellent targeted marketing for forcing me to want something I don’t need! Wonder if Best Buy is still open. 

Thanks to Motorola’s newly announced successors to the popular RAZR phones, angry cell-phone shoppers are frantically scrambling to their phone outlets in what experts believe could be the trendiest mob of well-dressed urbanites in modern history.

 ”My… my phone! It’s slightly out of date!” shrieked John Berlonson, a software analyst and father of two.

“I simply can’t use this RAZR v3 anymore,” quipped Charlene Gubenstopper, hiding the phone within the folds of her jacket. “It’s nearly 3 months old and barely pushes the envelope at all anymore!”

Asked whether or not she would be content with a new KRZR, Miss Gubenstopper, a fashion consultant and weekend trend-setter threw her hands skyward, charging “Of course! God. It’s the only phone anyone will be seen with. Plus it’s got all of the features a young professional like me needs! It’s like 42 millimeters wide. This junky old v3 is like 54 millimeters. What is this, the middle ages or something?”

Motorola gives all of the credit to their researchers for developing the critical advances in techno-trendology required to produce the new KRZR and RIZR phones. Dramatic leaps in the field have made it possible to actually combine the GSM and CDMA technologies with a magnesium polished chrome and hardened glass finish, resulting in a reflective surface for the self-absorbed target market. The phones are also powered by a NiCaD battery that accepts a continuous charge from the owner’s sense of self-worth.

“I will never need another phone once I own one of these,” gasped Mr. Berlonson. “This will surely be the last, great, thin phone ever produced.”

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Here’s a fun one for the kids. Now you can listen in on the confessions of true degenerates without the hassle of clubbing a priest and stealing his vestments. Got something to get off your chest and don’t know where to turn? SickConfessions.com has you covered.

Not for the feint of heart, and definitely not safe for work… (you’ve been warned) this site acts as a virtual confessional where anyone can unload their deepest, darkest, dirtiest secrets, without fear of judgment by anyone you know or give a rip about.

Let’s say you’ve broken into the office petty cash fund and spent it all on foot-fetish sessions with “Creepy Foot Doctor” while sipping rum smoothies from a size 9 stilletto pump . No problem, they’ve got a section for that.

Perhaps that weekend in Tulsa with the limo hot-tub, 40 inch sheet cake, and three hitchhikers with poor motor skills has got you troubled? No sweat, you’re covered.

Or maybe you spent 6 hours going all Jack Bauer in the duct-works above the changing rooms at a trailer park community pool. Hey, you’re not alone! We’ve all been there.

There’s an argument that says a valuable service needs to be provided for sick nutballs like you to privately confess their transgressions to a sympathetic ear. And have them read worldwide across the network. You know, so other’s can feel better about themselves.

But a stronger argument could be made that reading about other people’s completely sick-house antics beats watching bad reality television any day. Drop by and get yourself a heaping pile of wholesale online absolution. It’s like church for people with low self-esteem and bad hygiene!

There was a time when the pantry had only a few dried goods in it. The fridge was small and cooled by a block of ice. And families got along just fine. Today, I am actually throwing out packets of ancient soup mix and jello boxes so I can make room for the 50 pound block of pop-tarts that just came home from the bulk store.

Sixty years ago, no one needed to stock up on all of this food, because if they needed meat, bread, and a pack of smokes… they’d walk the block and a half to the corner store or meat market… and pick it up. Done. Take it home, make your sandwich, and wolf it down with a smooth and healthy Marlboro chaser.

Even now, the convenience is greater… yet we still stock up. Gone is the exercise, just drop by the super market on the way home. But no one has the patience or tolerance for that either, what with the ever present danger of ”Elderly Coupon Creepers” or “Children of the Cold” (and flu. Spreading germs. Get it?).

So that leads us to the next stage in the evolution of the corner store. Just need a pack of smokes and some sandwich fixins? Don’t even get up. We now buy our cigarettes online at DiscountCigaretteShop.com and our steaks come in a bag from eBay. Just takes a few extra days for everything to arrive. So… you know. Better stock up.

As soon as Dean Kamen gets off his ass and builds us an electric sandwich maker instead of some 10 grand scooter… we’ll really be in business.

On the heels of Verizon adding certain WIFI and Bluetooth support back into their PDA phones that had been removed to sell other services, the 800 pound mobile phone gorilla offered another gift to it’s customers today. Verizon obtained a permanent injunction blocking a Miami telemarketer from making automated calls to its customers.

Thus continues the Evil Face-lift process for a company that has shown over and over again that they care greatly for their prospective customers. Until you’re a customer. Then you’re screwed.

This facelift, though nobel, is still the equivalent of removing one wart from a trailer mama’s shoulder-fat. Until they get with the rest of the cellular world and support SIM cards in their phones, they’ll always be wallowing in excess evilosity. At least they’ve starting scraping some of the evil stink off… and apparently shipping it wholesale to Miami. Cell phone telemarketing - Just what we need.