CrankyRants.com

A recent article on the AP reported that by studying the diets of 52 normal-weight adults and 52 overweight or obese adults, researchers found that normal-weight adults ate more fiber and fruit each day than their overweight and obese counterparts. The normal-weight adults were also 10 times more likely to crave Ho-Hos and Mountain Dew instead of the lousy fiber and fruit they normally eat.

Normal-weight adults consumed an average of 33 percent more dietary fiber and 43 percent more complex carbohydrates daily than their overweight and obese counterparts. Dietary fiber and complex carbohydrate intake were inversely related to body weight and “most strongly” to percent body fat.

In other words… we’re over-weight, unhealthy, and need to eat better. No. Kidding. What none of the researches in the study have concluded, however, is that we eat unhealthy food because it’s just flat out better. And easier with today’s high-paced work schedules and lifestyles. They need to give us alternatives that can actually be applied to reality. There are of course ways to supplement our diets with vitamins, protein pills, and various weight loss products. But these will only get us so far, and occasionally taste like powdered frog crap.

That leads us to the dreaded E word. If we don’t have time to diet properly, what makes anyone think we have the time to exercise! Unless you’re a professional body builder or action-hero stunt double… you can’t simply spend all of your waking hours exercising. So it’s my conclusion that it may be better to be happy, stress-free, and a little flabby than taut, trim, and munching on pine-cones during the morning drive. Call it my “Enjoy Your Shorter Life” diet.

As we wallow through the age of “Dot Com Is Already Taken”… you have to marvel at the creativity of some web site owners. For those with deep pockets, it’s no problem at all to drop a few figures at Sedo and get what you really want. For those without the means, i.e… the rest of us… we’re left to fend for ourselves.

Take Dogs for instance. Hundreds of thousands of sites out there currently sling their dog collars and dog chains and little doggie dinners at us from just about every pet site name under the sun. After the obvious names are gone, how is an honest person supposed to manage their pet product sales and get a name out there that will float to the top of people’s hearts and minds? Simple… you make it cute, catchy, and long-lasting. You make it PoopyPuppies.com. 

Love this name! I was very pleased a few months back with an unusual and catchy name for a pet site tailored towards crazy pet people, which wouldn’t take a combo rocket scientist/veterinarian to figure out. But PoopyPuppies beats me out hands down. Practically markets itself, though runs the risk of attracting a somewhat “unwanted” crowd looking for actual photos of the topic. You know who you are.

Need to start a new section here simply calling attention to “out there but brilliant” domain names. Everyone has one they’re proud of. Send ‘em if ya got ‘em.

An unmanned, inflatable spacecraft launched by a Las Vegas real estate mogul has beamed back the first images since it began slowly floating above his palatial estate. At a staggering distance of 12 feet above the earth’s surface, the spacecraft sent a steady stream of images depciting scenary from the ground below, including a beachball floating in his pool… small child on a raft, possibly his own… and a chicken caesar wrap on a paper plate sitting on a lounger.

It is not known at this time whether the chicken caesar wrap belongs to the child or Las Vegas real estate mogul Robert Bigelow, but there is little doubt that the wrap was fresh and uneaten at the time. No word yet on whether bacon was present.

“Best money I ever spent,” Bigelow was quoted as saying, while handling the controls and sending the inflatable spacecraft into a partial inverted loop. “Almost got the hang of it!”

Yahoo had this article posted in it’s technology section on July 13th: Photo in Calif. could be world’s largest. The article included detailed information about the amazing lengths that a group of avid photographer’s went through to build the world’s largest pin-hole camera out of an airplane hanger in Irvine California. The article speaks glowingly about how amazing it was to watch the finished photo of the scene outside the hanger slowly develop on a sheet the size of a third of a football field.

Well done on a good story page, Yahoo. Except you forgot to add a picture of the freaking Picture! Pools of irony are gushing from the cracks in the Yahoo News site integrity.

 Is it so Amazingly difficult to include one… stinking… image in the article?! No image of the picture? Fine. How about the Hanger! How about one of the brave photographers pointing to the hole in the wall that made the world’s largest photo!

Here’s what it looked like, since they couldn’t get the job done.

You’re second rate, Yahoo… and you always will be. Losers.

Excellent picture!  

After my “Bad Cell Phone” day yesterday I needed a pick-me-up, and it comes from my good friends at factsjokesnfun.com. Believe me, if I’d had an oversized hornet with a blade, I’d have brought him with me to let the cell phone folks know I wasn’t screwin around!

I’ve decided that the shear volume of funny video and joke sites on the web has grown to capacity. It’s impossible to get any freaking work done in the office anymore because “The Architect” has decided the most efficient way to dull our senses into a chuckle-induced coma is to create one Humorous Video and Joke site for every human on the planet. Every funny I get in the mail comes from a different site, and I swear they are mass-producing them in Seattle somewhere.

That’s why I’m choosing a few and sticking with them. Visit more than a few and you’re seeing the same funny picture again and again, right? I’m guessing they’re just stealing the same videos and pictures from… well… each other. So if you stick with a site… you’re bound to see it all eventually. Saves on Favorites space as well… so I got that going for me too.

I stormed out of the Verizon store yesterday ready to drop them like a pissing frog.  And here I sit today committed to another 2 years with a new phone and little self-respect. No surprise I suppose, it’s not the first time I’ve done it.

I don’t ask for much when I walk in. I just want to renew my contract, upgrade my phones, and walk out. Instead I have to deal with the sad cold fact that the “New Every 2″ is a not-so-clever marketing mud-pie that’s crammed down our throats each visit. Completely worthless considering the $100 can not be used with any of their standard $100 off they already offer for most good phones.

Add to the fact that they have crippled important Bluetooth and WiFi functionality on their new Smartphones so you are all but required to use their freakish services, the bums. A recent update has rectified some of the damage, but it’s still left many soured.

That’s when I left, making sure to ask loudly how I’d go about transferring my number to the new Sprint account I’d be signing up for later that night. They smiled, told me it was easy, and looked me over with the unspoken “See You Soon” smirk they’ve learned from Corporate or circus gypsies or somewhere.

And they were right. After all of my additional research into other plans, comparing phone prices, weighing the fact that I can call nearly everyone else I know for free because Verizon has them caught in the Matrix as well… I gathered my dignity into a dixie cup, spent 2 hours waiting for them to activate two phones… and quietly walked out. I’ve now bought myself another 2 years to come up with a new exit strategy for the next time. Not likely, of course. But then, I’ve always been a slow learner.

You’ll find accounting jobs in the UK online at AccountantCareers.co.uk.

Say what you want about online gambling, it ain’t going away.

In fact, it’s expected to nearly double in growth over the next 4 years, leaving many concerned that the illegality of gambling in the United States is all but a joke. Considering anyone can hop online from work, school, or favorite over-priced coffee shop and blow their life savings in an hour, it’s no wonder Congress is concerned about it.

Luckily a bill is being put forth that will ban the use of credit cards on gambling sites. Enforceable on all… ummm… U.S. based sites and the companies that provide the hosting for those sites. Okay. So this will essentially give all rights to online gambling to those outside the country. That’ll clean this mess up, I guess. Luckily, the ban doesn’t count for “legitimate” gaming, in the eyes of Congress. So you’re online lotteries and bets on horse racing are safe. Love it!

You’ll find jobs in London at Canary Wharf Jobs.com.

Look out Discreet. Google has it’s giant single eye, rimmed in fire, fixed squarely on the 3d market with Google Sketchup. Released a few months ago, and no 3dMax by any standard, there’s still plenty of low-level 3d packages out there they may take a face-plant because of Google’s free software giveaway. Would be cool if they integrate it with Google Earth to drop your house into the Google World, but I don’t think that’s their main goal here. Here’s what you get:

• Click on a shape and push or pull it to create your desired 3D geometry.  
• Experiment with color and texture directly on your model.
• Real-time shadow casting lets you see exactly where the sun falls as you model.
• Select from thousands of pre-drawn components to save time drawing.

Not much more than a toy at this point, but with their endless bucket of cash you can bet it will become much more over time. If I had any form of small software company at this point,  I’d be keeping an eye on the skies for 2 black helicopter’s now. One with a Microsoft Logo, the other with Google Eyes.

I guess they’re related, in some small way. If you’re finishing your basement into a lavish game room, you’ll need to line the walls with some classic standup arcade games like Asteroids, Robotron, or my personal favorite… Crazy Climber. You’ll also want to provide some group entertainment in the form of Ping Pong, or Beer Pong, or any of the variations in between. Plus… you know. You’ll need curtains, I guess. Light control and all.

These are all also things that you can build yourself, which is where I’m going with this I suppose. Just about anything that you can buy these days, you can also build in your garage by downloading plans from the web. In fact, you can find plans to build a garage if you don’t have one already. Do It Yourself sites like MakeMyOwn.com or Ask.com let you build things yourself, save a few bucks, and then spend them on some black lights and shag carpet for your new game room. All early 80’s like.

Don’t want to buy a standup arcade game from eBay and pay the shipping charges? Make your own out of plywood, paint, and an old computer. Don’t know the rules of Beer Pong or how to setup a table? Covered. Need to know how to make matching Tasseled Tails for your curtains and throw cushions? Well then you’re probably making this game room a little too schmancy for the beer pong table, so… screw it. Go with blinds or stick with bumper pool.

So you just bought a new PR2 domain name from someone and it’s sitting in your account. No site, no content, nothing but the name. Now what. There are some quality links to the domain right now, and some pages exist in the search engine databases. But it’s only a matter of time before you get found out. Like the sentries in Minority Report, the spiders are always scrabbling about, looking for good content. Or in your case, dead content.

If you want to keep the page rank you just paid for as well as the physical links, you need to act quickly. Google may be slow to index, but they’re quick to drop if they find bad info. Within the first week of ownership, if possible, get started building the basics of the site, focusing on the pages with an existing page rank. Even if the content that you’re putting up is different from what the engines expect, it’s better than a dead link.

Now for the patchwork. Find out what sites currently link to these pages by performing a “link search” on Google. Identify the referring pages, and try to match the content that the page is expecting. You might even contact the owner’s of the site to strike up a relationship with them. More happy links make for a happy spider.

Next, try to preserve the existing page links in the major search engines. This can be tricky, especially if you are using a different scripting language than the previous owner. Try to find a cache of the pages on Google, Yahoo, or http://www.archives.org/ and grab as much of the original content as possible. If it even remotely relates to your new site, throw it up there and do what you can to make the links point to your new page.

Matching the links is the toughest part of the job. Copy and paste the links from Google or Yahoo into Excel, and be prepared to do a lot of string manipulation. Ideally you can take all of the existing search results, such as http://www.crankyrants.com/?p=194 and tie them with the critical information from the original page, such as title, tags, or content itself. If you’re site is database driven, you can then format the spreadsheet accordingly and push all of the information into a table. Now when any of the search engines come looking for an article or page, you at least have some of the familiar information waiting for them. Given enough time, you can then go in to backfill any content if you would like, further strengthening the pages.

The final step has already been mentioned, but it’s worth bringing up again. Outside links to the site. Very important. It’s hard enough to acquire backlinks these days, so if at one time a site had a quality link to your new domain, try your best to re-establish the relationship. If the link to your site is still present, just make a note of the location. If the link is now gone, email the webmaster and offer services or minor links to keep the link going. These are all key elements that went into the building of the page rank for your new domain, and everything you can do to maintain it will only help in the long run.