CrankyRants.com

If you’re not a sports fan or a coach hater… all that’s left for you to do is start a gambling site. Of course, gambling is illegal throughout most of the country, and online-gambling is being restricted more and more each year. So If you’re going to start one, here’s a few tips.

1. Move to Malaysia. International gambling sites are still cool with the Feds for some reason, and you’ll have access to all of the Malaria you can carry.
2. Run it out of your basement and hire some guys named after things. “Johnny Carburetor” or “Donny Two Ears” or “Jimmy The Fuzzy Ducky Gorbano” or whatever. Makes you feel like your site has a real mob connection.
3. Take the time to get your site a real mob connection. Why fake it when you can do what the pros do. Don’t know much about it myself, but as far as I can tell you gain instant access to plenty of financial and labor-related resources with practically no strings attached, apparently.

Finally, if you don’t want to actually dabble in the illegal and limb-bending world of organized crime… just go for the perfectly legal and legitimate arena of handicapping. You can make whatever predictions you want, charge people to listen to a poorly recorded mp3 of you giving them, and claim each week that you hit 12 out of 14 picks… and no one’s there to correct you because it’s for member’s only. What a deal! Plus you get to use cool phrases like “triple-stunner cast-iron lock of the century” every week.

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More prominent than the hater sites, nothing pumps more rich creamy worthless sporting news-pulp through the GAFT like a manaical sports nut with an FTP account. Now that anyone can get a website for $3.95 with free ad-infested hosting account and the goDaddy instant blog hack, those overweight rabid body-painting wack-jobs you see shrieking into the camera every weekend have moved indoors and online.

Fan sites nearly eclipse Lithuanian Granny Porn and mySpace Template sites in number these days, and most of the content is about as useful. Sites like RaiderNation.com, ColtsDrive.com, and SteelersFever.com take the whole notion of “Our Team Doesn’t Stink Nearly As Bad As Your Team” to a new level.

Here’s what’s fun about these sites. Pick any one of them at random, settle into a nice comfy chair, and post a note or comment about how their team is pretty good, but “plays a little too soft to compete with the elite teams.” Now lean back and watch the fireworks.

The entertainment value of the average fan site completely revolves around the insults and mud-slinging rage that most rabid fans will blindly dive into when anyone even remotely suggests that anyone on their team is anything less than a direct descendant of the holy union between Thor and Hillary Swank. So massive is the machismo-lust that a fan-site member would rather take the Nestea plunge into an inflatable pool of boiling Gatorade than accept that maybe the players on their team might have lost their recent game because they were tired, hurt, or looking forward to a quiet afternoon in bed.

So before you sign up and fire off some tasty posts, make a checklist of the following words and phrases.

“Soft on defense.”
“They’re a Finesse Team.”
“Can’t win a game when it counts.”
“Crumble under the pressure.”
And my true favorite: “Would probably have won more games if they would just suck less.”

Remember, post often… and post responsibly. And never give your real name. These guys own guns.

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At any given moment, there is exactly one sports site for every individual sports fan in the world. That’s how many there are. Like the sentinals in the Matrix, one to one is the most efficient way to keep us all hooked into the Global Athletic Feeding Tube, or GAFT as it’s known in the addict community. The GAFT can include team sites, fantasy sites, gambling sites, and even hater sites that promote the firing of coaches before they’ve even been hired. Indiana University still had Bob Knight shaped ass-groves on the sideline bench when Mike Davis got his own “Fire Him” site. And Davis was still coaching the team down the tubes when FireCoachSampson.com got thrown into the ring to bash Kelvin Sampson. Good job. Bad job. No job yet… doesn’t matter. Web prospectors are always thinking, especially in the turmoil of the sports world.

We’ll talk about the other types of sports sites down the road, but the hater sites are the most interesting because they essentially strive to put themselves out of business. The goal of sites like the one above is to raise the ire of fans so high that the coach gets fired. Thus the domain name. But once that happens… there goes your traffic. Everyone is happy the coach is gone… and happy people don’t post nearly as much as pissed off people do.

So the life cycle of the typical hater site, at least the Coach hater site, goes like this: Domain is regged when the poor guy is still some assistant somewhere and doesn’t even have the job yet. Gets the job, site owner dances like he hit the $20 scratch and win lottery, and a new site is birthed into the world. Coach sucks or succeeds, people flock to the site to grip and complain, traffic goes up bringing more complaining from fans and haters alike.

Finally, the coach leaves one way or another… and the site owner tries desperately to offload the whole thing to someone willing to follow the coach around.

Quality web content? You bet! And the sad thing is… a lot of people make a lot of money and traffic from it. Thanks… to the GAFT. Next up, true fan sites.