CrankyRants.com

How do you get a spider in the mood? Pour some wine, drop the needle on a scratchy Barry White album, and un-dim the ultraviolet lights. Ohhh yeah, baby. Just like the human species crica 1978… nothing sets the scene like the back of a van with shag carpet, avacado-green bean-bag chairs, and Jimi Hendrix posters glowing in beautiful black-lights.

Same for spiders, though instead of glowing guitars and unicorns… it’s their face that glows in ultraviolet light. And the ladies? Oh yeah… they swoon. Big time.

Apparently both male and female jumping spiders, Cosmophasis umbratica, have markings on their faces and legs that glow in ultraviolet light, researchers led by Daiqin Li at the National University of Singapore reported, before carefully coming down from their chairs and lab tables… trying their best to stifle a quiet, “eww… spiders.”

Many animals possess UV vision and use it for foraging, navigation and sexual selection, Li explained. Jumping spiders are known to have good eyesight, he said, adding that many of these spiders are colorful, with the males generally more colorful than females.

So if you happen to know of someone who is a little put-off by the creepy-crawly critters, now you know what to get them for your next gift exchange. Natural, wholesome ultraviolet lights for their basement. “Helps kill mold!,” you might explain.
 

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For quite some time now, women have chosen to engage in an activity that continues to severely confuse me.  High-end, fashionable, designer handbags exist in this world for the sole purposes of aiding a woman in feeling classy, powerful and almost euphoric.  The perfect handbag can take a look to an entirely different level, resulting in observers believing that you are on a fashion plateau that is all your own and that is simply unattainable.  This is the very reason that I cannot process why, with the existence of such exquisite handy work available, women choose to purchase bags that are such horrific and obvious imposters in the efforts of appearing fashionable. Financial concerns can get in the way at times, but if you’re going to show off your new feathers, better make sure they’re not painted on.

These days, one can find imposter designer handbags just about anywhere.  All over the world, women proudly adorn their shoulders with them as if other women are too unintelligent see the difference between high-end and complete hideousness.  The ways in which a woman can attain such a bag are endless; from their local malls, to the internet, to individuals selling them on the street and even from such a thing called a “purse party.” Like Tupperware. But with purses. These are gatherings of women who get very excited about purses, and hop about in hopes of coming home with about three or four imposter bags.  I’ve actually seen a Prada imposter on the internet that was so terrible that the pathetic excuse for a designer bag actually bore the label Prado! Seriously. Advertised right next to a new Sorny DVD player and Freddie DeBauer wallet.

The thing that I really cannot get past, and refuse to, is that each of the imposter bags range in price from approximately $80.00 and upwards of $150.00.  With women snatching up these babies by the masses, they are spending more than enough to actually purchase one magnificent, first-rate specimen of a handbag that they could carry with much more pride.  I’d think it would make more sense to own one legitimate and beautiful designer bag than five imposters. But then, I’ve been known to wear black socks with shorts in the summer, so I’m probably not the best fashion plate to follow.

As a way of thanking their many loyal customers for choosing the XBOX360 over the less-available systems during the holiday season, Microsoft has decided to give a gift to each and every owner this new year. A large, gift-wrapped notice that their new Christmas toy is slow, defective, and officially obsolete.

That’s right… XBOX360 Version 2 is in the works and nearing production. Same game system… same games and controllers… but new processor that runs cooler than the original. It’s also rumored that the new version, codenamed Zypher, will have a larger hardrive and built-in HD DVD… most likely to compete with Sony’s PS3.

But the most welcomed new addition is support for true digital HD video. The current XBOX360 only supports outputs of RCA, S-Video, Component, or VGA… all of which are still analog-based forms of video. They provide excellent image quality… but the new version will have native support for HDMI, which combines digital audio and video into the same cable, and is common on most HD TV’s.

One can’t help but wonder if this was Microsoft’s plan all along. Throw out what we can to get a jump on Sony… then fix everything after the Holidays. Screw our existing customer base, they’ll get over it. We’re Microsoft! When we tell them to get over it… they will. Because we’re Microsoft, dammit!

Well, Bill? Enjoy you new extra notch up the “Evil Company” ladder. More to come, I’m sure.

Well, we all knew it would happen one day. The invasion has begun.

On January 1st, several United pilots and crew swear they saw a spinning disc covered in lights hovering over O’Hare International airport before shooting up into the sky. Most likely because they forgot their passport and didn’t want to screw with international security.

This wasn’t your run-o-the-mill redneck UFO sighting in lower Boonfork Alabama or something. These were professional United Airline pilots and crew who witnessed a large metallic object hovering over Gate C17. Of course, none of these well-educated dipwads could tear their eyes away long enough to snap a phone pic or something. So of course the adage holds true. “If it ain’t on YouTube… it didn’t happen.”

Next a metal rock-like object crashed through a New Jersey home on January 3rd. We’re not talking about an object bouncing off of a roof… it was falling with enough velocity to pierce shingles and plywood, shatter tile in a bathroom, and eventually lodge itself in a wall. The feds will likely conclude that this was also a “weather phenomenon”. You know… a REALLY hard metallic cloud that fell out of the sky.

I’m guessing that next we’ll see catastrophic winter storms isolated in certain regions of the country while everywhere else experiences the warmest winter in decades. Weather control. That’s how they get ya, see?

One thing’s for sure. If this is how the new year is going to start out? UFOs cruising for hot stewardesses and throwing rocks at houses… Britney and Donald Trump are going to have to come up with WAY better celebrity stunts in order to grab our attention. The bar has been raised.

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