So now the feeding tube is off to the Vatican. Is it wrong to be completely fascinated by the Pope’s upcoming death? I mean, I’m not old enough to remember a Pope dying. It won’t be as exciting as when the Queen dies, but still. And now that the Kremlin isn’t what it used to be we have to look to the Vatican for cryptic, elliptical statements about the health of an autocratic leader.

As with the Queen, we’re faced with the distinct possibility that whoever replaces the Pope will be even worse. I nominate Prince Charles. Sure, he’s not Catholic, but he’s so damn cranky that he’d make a delightful pontiff. And, well, he will be Supreme Head of the Church of England, which is almost like the Catholic Church. Except for a whole bunch of liturgical and doctrinal stuff. And that whole Reformation thing.

The Observer suggests that the next Pope may be really, really old. This would help allay fears that the upcoming Holy Father might stay in his position for a long time, surround himself with like-minded advisors, and thus secure an iron grip on the office. You know, like the Pope we have right now. Apparently a lot of cardinals want a Pope who will die really soon, a sort of revolving-door pontificate, a Pope that keeps everyone on their toes and isn’t too sprightly.

The frontrunner seems to be Cardinal Francis Arinze, of Nigeria. He’s old, and used to be in Fela Kuti’s Egypt 80. Okay, I made that last bit up. Another major contender, Cardinal Oscar Rodríguez from Honduras, isn’t as old. But he is a friend of Bono (I didn’t make that up), who I’m sure could put in a good word for him with God.

Given that I get most of my knowledge of the papacy from Godfather: Part III I’m probably not the best person to hazzard a guess about John Paul II’s successor. But Al Pacino would make a pretty good Pope. Expecially derivative-of-himself shouting Al Pacino.