Shortly after purchasing the garage where the seeds of what would become Google were sown, a new series of Google products was announced to take advantage of the press created around the now famous car port.

The first new service is Google: Car Port. Through a series of massive server clusters, Google plans to spawn a global database of all vehicles currently being stored within personal and public parking garage as an overlay to Google Earth. With the push of a button, any user can see push pins and detailed information for every car, bike, moped, or 3-wheeled Euro-cart in the known populated regions. Before a vehicle will show up, owners must first sign up for a Google: Car Port account, which will be handed out in limited number and require Google Ads to be placed on the vehicles in a rotational manner.

In addition, plans are in place for Google: Oil Spill Relational Imaging, a service by which garage owners can photograph and post images of the oil stains left from poorly maintained vehicles. The images will then be run through high-end image processing through a series of massive server clusters to flag any likenesses to famous celebrities and religious icons. Any matches will immediately place the oil stain up for purchase through Google Auctions.

Finally, Google will tie the entire theme together with Google: Unneeded crap That’s Too Sentimental to Pitch Cataloging Service. Using a series of massive server clusters, Google will allow users to compile an inventory of every worthless piece of junk currently being stored in the garage because their spouse or roommate won’t allow it in the house anymore but it’s too valuable or memory-filled to even consider throwing away. For an additional fee, Google will email fake item appraisals and offers to purchase for the express purpose of proving to the spouse or roommate that it is in fact… too valuable to throw away, yet too sentimental to sell.