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Archaeologists on a Greek island have discovered a large Roman-era tomb containing gold jewelry, pottery and bronze offerings, officials said Wednesday. The building, near the village of Fiscardo on Kefalonia, contained five burials including a large vaulted grave and a stone coffin, prompting a quick and angry rebuke by the Iranian Government.

Even though the dig was no where near the fabled lands that made up ancient Sparta, uncovered artifacts dated hundreds of years after the battle of Thermopylae, and offered no insight or speculation on the Persian Empire, Iran is furious.

“Once again our great and proud ancestry has been shamed,” shouted Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, “by horrible and racist depictions of the Persian Empire by these alleged scientists who promote nothing but hatred in their uncovering of small stone coffins unrelated to our people in every way.”

Ahmadinejad was equally outraged that archaeologists also located traces of what may have been a small theater with intact stone seating in a nearby plot that also reflected no relation whatsoever to the Persian Empire or the Ancient Iranian peoples.

“This is Blasphemy!”, Ahmadinejad exclaimed in a recent press conference, dressed in lavish Persian robes and distinct facial piercings. “This is Madness!”

A marine mammal rehabilitation facility opened a dolphin “chat line” of sorts Saturday, hoping to teach a deaf dolphin’s unborn calf to communicate.

Castaway, as the stranded Atlantic bottlenose dolphin is named, has been recovering at the Marine Mammal Conservancy since Jan. 30. A battery of tests has confirmed she is deaf.

Dolphins need to hear echoes of sounds they produce to find food, socialize and defend themselves against predators.

“We asked ourselves ‘How do we get the calf to speak when we have a deaf mother?’” said a representative from the conservancy.

They decided to electronically connect Castaway’s habitat with a lagoon at Dolphins Plus, a research and interactive educational facility a few miles down the Keys Overseas Highway. Underwater speakers and microphones were installed at both locations and connected via phone lines.

Though initially built strictly for the newborn Dolphin’s use, scientists hope to open several lines to the public as well, offering live phone chats and steamy online audio streaming with a host of hot, smooth dolphins world-wide.

“I’ve studied dolphins my whole life. They are a naturally sensual creature, and our research could certainly benefit from additional revenue streams,” the representative exclaimed while slipping into a wetsuit. “I have a very good feeling about the future of this project… because I really like Dolphins. Really…. Really like them.”

Scientists of the National Science Museum said Wednesday that they succeeded in catching a deep-sea giant squid at a depth of 640 meters on in the North Pacific Ocean, some 1,000 kilometers south of Tokyo.

No identification has been made of the ancient skeleton discovered within the beast using special lens refraction techniques, though sources close to the scientists claim that the skeletal remains included a sword, compass, and a well-preserved 3-tipped leather hat. Disney lawyers will arrive Friday.

Following the complete takeover of the US Congress and Senate by the Democratic party in early November elections, Republican George W. Bush hauls out the big guns.

“Take away my one party system will ya! I’ll be a-showin ya!”

The maker of the Segway scooter this week unveiled the second generation of its self-balancing electric one-person vehicle to the applause of self-important, non-athletic individuals everywhere. Popular among community police departments, shopping security, and those who feel walking is a burdensome chore, the new device offers all of the options that the lazy “idle spender” is looking for in a gadget.

“Walking’s for chumps”, announced Herbert Huckleminger of Lexington, Kentucky. “Without my Segwey, I’d just blend in with everyone else at the store instead of standing out like I deserve. Plus walking was causing me to loose unnecessary weight. I really see it as a transition vehicle to a Rascal or, hopefully someday, a wheelchair. Even standing on one of these things can stretch my muscles to the point of exercise. And I simply can’t abide that!”

The new scooters have a top speed of 12.5 miles per hour, and feature the capability to carry bags, golf clubs, and those who view walking as an unnecessary task in today’s modern world. “I’d rather ride than walk,” quipped Stanley Stergonson. “That’s all there is to it. The human race evolved away from the need for muscular legs and long arms to navigate their world. This is simply the next step!”

Future enhancements to the Seqway include a medical oxygen pump and battery operated food processor to completely assist busy commuters deal with the hassles of breathing and chewing their food.

“Technology is the best,” cited Stergonson. “I totally can’t wait until the day when I’ll be sealed in a cylindrical tube 24-7 with all of those tubes and wires and stuff? That’ll be the best.”

Get the latest on diversity issues in the workplace at Diversity Jobs.

An unmanned, inflatable spacecraft launched by a Las Vegas real estate mogul has beamed back the first images since it began slowly floating above his palatial estate. At a staggering distance of 12 feet above the earth’s surface, the spacecraft sent a steady stream of images depciting scenary from the ground below, including a beachball floating in his pool… small child on a raft, possibly his own… and a chicken caesar wrap on a paper plate sitting on a lounger.

It is not known at this time whether the chicken caesar wrap belongs to the child or Las Vegas real estate mogul Robert Bigelow, but there is little doubt that the wrap was fresh and uneaten at the time. No word yet on whether bacon was present.

“Best money I ever spent,” Bigelow was quoted as saying, while handling the controls and sending the inflatable spacecraft into a partial inverted loop. “Almost got the hang of it!”