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Lasers beamed from space have detected what researchers have long suspected: big sloshing lakes of water underneath Antarctic ice.

These lakes, some stretching across hundreds of square miles (km), fill and drain so dramatically that the movement can be seen by a satellite looking at the icy surface of the southern continent, glaciologists reported in Thursday’s editions of the journal Science.

So… I’m no scientist or anything. But I’ve seen enough James Bond movies to know that if there’s anything giant space laser are best at… it’s melting stuff. Anyone in the research team ever think to ask “Hey guys? Are we sure all of that under-ice water wasn’t just ice before we started pointing our giant laser blaster at it?”

Seems to me that would have been the first question asked… followed closely by “How’s progress coming on the research into the melting ice-caps from our Giant Direct-light Space Toaster?”

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If professor Ray McAllister could perfect his time-machine technology… he’d send a note back to his 1972 self that simply read: “Tire reef. Dont!”

Back in the heady days of disco, cocaine, and environmental research, professor McCallister and a team of fellow oceanic engineers decided something needed to be done to help promote new coral activity and underwater wildlife growth. The solution? Strap tens of thousands of old tires together and sink them off the coast of Florida.

The tires were unloaded there in 1972 to create an artificial reef that could attract a rich variety of marine life, and to free up space in clogged landfills. But decades later, the idea has proved a huge ecological blunder.

Little sea life has formed on the tires. Some of the tires that were bundled together with nylon and steel have broken loose and are scouring the ocean floor across a swath the size of 31 football fields. Tires are washing up on beaches. Thousands have wedged up against a nearby natural reef, blocking coral growth and devastating marine life.

“The really good idea was to provide habitat for marine critters so we could double or triple marine life in the area. It just didn’t work that way,” said Ray McAllister, a professor of ocean engineering at Florida Atlantic University who was instrumental in organizing the project. “I look back now and see it was a bad idea.”

Give the guy credit for admitting he was wrong, I suppose. But clearly every member of that team needs to strap on a speedo and snorkel and commence to floating that 30 year old science experiment back to the surface. At least we now know a little more about tires. Can’t burn’em. Can’t drown’em. Those things are strong.

How do you get a spider in the mood? Pour some wine, drop the needle on a scratchy Barry White album, and un-dim the ultraviolet lights. Ohhh yeah, baby. Just like the human species crica 1978… nothing sets the scene like the back of a van with shag carpet, avacado-green bean-bag chairs, and Jimi Hendrix posters glowing in beautiful black-lights.

Same for spiders, though instead of glowing guitars and unicorns… it’s their face that glows in ultraviolet light. And the ladies? Oh yeah… they swoon. Big time.

Apparently both male and female jumping spiders, Cosmophasis umbratica, have markings on their faces and legs that glow in ultraviolet light, researchers led by Daiqin Li at the National University of Singapore reported, before carefully coming down from their chairs and lab tables… trying their best to stifle a quiet, “eww… spiders.”

Many animals possess UV vision and use it for foraging, navigation and sexual selection, Li explained. Jumping spiders are known to have good eyesight, he said, adding that many of these spiders are colorful, with the males generally more colorful than females.

So if you happen to know of someone who is a little put-off by the creepy-crawly critters, now you know what to get them for your next gift exchange. Natural, wholesome ultraviolet lights for their basement. “Helps kill mold!,” you might explain.
 

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Well, we all knew it would happen one day. The invasion has begun.

On January 1st, several United pilots and crew swear they saw a spinning disc covered in lights hovering over O’Hare International airport before shooting up into the sky. Most likely because they forgot their passport and didn’t want to screw with international security.

This wasn’t your run-o-the-mill redneck UFO sighting in lower Boonfork Alabama or something. These were professional United Airline pilots and crew who witnessed a large metallic object hovering over Gate C17. Of course, none of these well-educated dipwads could tear their eyes away long enough to snap a phone pic or something. So of course the adage holds true. “If it ain’t on YouTube… it didn’t happen.”

Next a metal rock-like object crashed through a New Jersey home on January 3rd. We’re not talking about an object bouncing off of a roof… it was falling with enough velocity to pierce shingles and plywood, shatter tile in a bathroom, and eventually lodge itself in a wall. The feds will likely conclude that this was also a “weather phenomenon”. You know… a REALLY hard metallic cloud that fell out of the sky.

I’m guessing that next we’ll see catastrophic winter storms isolated in certain regions of the country while everywhere else experiences the warmest winter in decades. Weather control. That’s how they get ya, see?

One thing’s for sure. If this is how the new year is going to start out? UFOs cruising for hot stewardesses and throwing rocks at houses… Britney and Donald Trump are going to have to come up with WAY better celebrity stunts in order to grab our attention. The bar has been raised.

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Here’s a fun one to try. On December 27th, a 21-year-old German woman who did not feel like going to work at a fast food restaurant apparently sent her parents a text message saying she had been kidnapped.

Now, I’ve often looked out the window on a cold December morning and thought to myself… “Wow, sure would be nice to stay in today.”

There are plenty of ways to get out of work. Everyone has performed the “Fake Sick Boogie” on the phone call to the boss. Please let it be voicemail… so they won’t ask any questions.

I’ve considered the “my car won’t start” line. I’ve worked wonders with the “my kids are sick and I need to stay here to take care of them” skit as well. Helps alleviate the pressure of faking the “still sick, but well enough to work today” drama that occurs when you do return to work.

But I can honestly say, I’ve never considered the “text message my loved ones claiming to be kidnapped” routine. Can be messy… what with the police and all. But when you do return to work you get to dazzle your co-workers with the tale of your MacGyver-like escape from the clutches of evil.

Remember. Self-inflicted Rope burns heal quickly but add that touch or realism most invesitagors are looking for. Details matter, you know.

Scientists of the National Science Museum said Wednesday that they succeeded in catching a deep-sea giant squid at a depth of 640 meters on in the North Pacific Ocean, some 1,000 kilometers south of Tokyo.

No identification has been made of the ancient skeleton discovered within the beast using special lens refraction techniques, though sources close to the scientists claim that the skeletal remains included a sword, compass, and a well-preserved 3-tipped leather hat. Disney lawyers will arrive Friday.

Following the complete takeover of the US Congress and Senate by the Democratic party in early November elections, Republican George W. Bush hauls out the big guns.

“Take away my one party system will ya! I’ll be a-showin ya!”

Talk about the most highly publicized and expensive form of “cheating” available to a team. How about having a network sports commentor give out the other team’s signals over the air during a game.

The University of Southern California formally complained Wednesday that ABC-TV’s Brent Musburger revealed privileged information in play-by-play commentary during Saturday’s game against the Nebraska Huskers.

The university sent a letter to ESPN, which oversees sports programming on ABC, saying Musburger, with less than 10 minutes to play and the Trojans leading 21-10, began describing how USC quarterback John David Booty lets receivers know he has spotted a certain kind of coverage.
 
“John David told us that his signal when he finds one-on-one and they’re coming, it’s that ‘hang loose,’ that familiar sign you’ve seen surfers use,” said Musburger, referring to the sign where the thumb and little finger are raised.

Evidently the Nebraska Huskers Football program wasn’t watching. They still lost 28-10.

Don’t look now, but we might be taking a step down in the food chain.

A U.S.-based Team of Scientists from Conservation International said Monday they had discovered dozens of new species while combing through undersea fauna off Indonesia’s Papua province, including a shark that walks on its fins.

Evidently the shark will swim along the ocean bottom… using it’s fins to “walk” when it needs to maneuver at a different pace. Scientists have been unable to verify whether or not the sharks can walk on their hind fins, maneuver up and down stairs, or operate door knobs. They did caution that it is now no longer safe to open your door without visual confirmation when a stranger knocks and introduces themselves as a “Candygram” delivery person.

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The maker of the Segway scooter this week unveiled the second generation of its self-balancing electric one-person vehicle to the applause of self-important, non-athletic individuals everywhere. Popular among community police departments, shopping security, and those who feel walking is a burdensome chore, the new device offers all of the options that the lazy “idle spender” is looking for in a gadget.

“Walking’s for chumps”, announced Herbert Huckleminger of Lexington, Kentucky. “Without my Segwey, I’d just blend in with everyone else at the store instead of standing out like I deserve. Plus walking was causing me to loose unnecessary weight. I really see it as a transition vehicle to a Rascal or, hopefully someday, a wheelchair. Even standing on one of these things can stretch my muscles to the point of exercise. And I simply can’t abide that!”

The new scooters have a top speed of 12.5 miles per hour, and feature the capability to carry bags, golf clubs, and those who view walking as an unnecessary task in today’s modern world. “I’d rather ride than walk,” quipped Stanley Stergonson. “That’s all there is to it. The human race evolved away from the need for muscular legs and long arms to navigate their world. This is simply the next step!”

Future enhancements to the Seqway include a medical oxygen pump and battery operated food processor to completely assist busy commuters deal with the hassles of breathing and chewing their food.

“Technology is the best,” cited Stergonson. “I totally can’t wait until the day when I’ll be sealed in a cylindrical tube 24-7 with all of those tubes and wires and stuff? That’ll be the best.”

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