CrankyRants.com

How do you get a spider in the mood? Pour some wine, drop the needle on a scratchy Barry White album, and un-dim the ultraviolet lights. Ohhh yeah, baby. Just like the human species crica 1978… nothing sets the scene like the back of a van with shag carpet, avacado-green bean-bag chairs, and Jimi Hendrix posters glowing in beautiful black-lights.

Same for spiders, though instead of glowing guitars and unicorns… it’s their face that glows in ultraviolet light. And the ladies? Oh yeah… they swoon. Big time.

Apparently both male and female jumping spiders, Cosmophasis umbratica, have markings on their faces and legs that glow in ultraviolet light, researchers led by Daiqin Li at the National University of Singapore reported, before carefully coming down from their chairs and lab tables… trying their best to stifle a quiet, “eww… spiders.”

Many animals possess UV vision and use it for foraging, navigation and sexual selection, Li explained. Jumping spiders are known to have good eyesight, he said, adding that many of these spiders are colorful, with the males generally more colorful than females.

So if you happen to know of someone who is a little put-off by the creepy-crawly critters, now you know what to get them for your next gift exchange. Natural, wholesome ultraviolet lights for their basement. “Helps kill mold!,” you might explain.
 

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Well, we all knew it would happen one day. The invasion has begun.

On January 1st, several United pilots and crew swear they saw a spinning disc covered in lights hovering over O’Hare International airport before shooting up into the sky. Most likely because they forgot their passport and didn’t want to screw with international security.

This wasn’t your run-o-the-mill redneck UFO sighting in lower Boonfork Alabama or something. These were professional United Airline pilots and crew who witnessed a large metallic object hovering over Gate C17. Of course, none of these well-educated dipwads could tear their eyes away long enough to snap a phone pic or something. So of course the adage holds true. “If it ain’t on YouTube… it didn’t happen.”

Next a metal rock-like object crashed through a New Jersey home on January 3rd. We’re not talking about an object bouncing off of a roof… it was falling with enough velocity to pierce shingles and plywood, shatter tile in a bathroom, and eventually lodge itself in a wall. The feds will likely conclude that this was also a “weather phenomenon”. You know… a REALLY hard metallic cloud that fell out of the sky.

I’m guessing that next we’ll see catastrophic winter storms isolated in certain regions of the country while everywhere else experiences the warmest winter in decades. Weather control. That’s how they get ya, see?

One thing’s for sure. If this is how the new year is going to start out? UFOs cruising for hot stewardesses and throwing rocks at houses… Britney and Donald Trump are going to have to come up with WAY better celebrity stunts in order to grab our attention. The bar has been raised.

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Here’s a fun one to try. On December 27th, a 21-year-old German woman who did not feel like going to work at a fast food restaurant apparently sent her parents a text message saying she had been kidnapped.

Now, I’ve often looked out the window on a cold December morning and thought to myself… “Wow, sure would be nice to stay in today.”

There are plenty of ways to get out of work. Everyone has performed the “Fake Sick Boogie” on the phone call to the boss. Please let it be voicemail… so they won’t ask any questions.

I’ve considered the “my car won’t start” line. I’ve worked wonders with the “my kids are sick and I need to stay here to take care of them” skit as well. Helps alleviate the pressure of faking the “still sick, but well enough to work today” drama that occurs when you do return to work.

But I can honestly say, I’ve never considered the “text message my loved ones claiming to be kidnapped” routine. Can be messy… what with the police and all. But when you do return to work you get to dazzle your co-workers with the tale of your MacGyver-like escape from the clutches of evil.

Remember. Self-inflicted Rope burns heal quickly but add that touch or realism most invesitagors are looking for. Details matter, you know.

Talk about the most highly publicized and expensive form of “cheating” available to a team. How about having a network sports commentor give out the other team’s signals over the air during a game.

The University of Southern California formally complained Wednesday that ABC-TV’s Brent Musburger revealed privileged information in play-by-play commentary during Saturday’s game against the Nebraska Huskers.

The university sent a letter to ESPN, which oversees sports programming on ABC, saying Musburger, with less than 10 minutes to play and the Trojans leading 21-10, began describing how USC quarterback John David Booty lets receivers know he has spotted a certain kind of coverage.
 
“John David told us that his signal when he finds one-on-one and they’re coming, it’s that ‘hang loose,’ that familiar sign you’ve seen surfers use,” said Musburger, referring to the sign where the thumb and little finger are raised.

Evidently the Nebraska Huskers Football program wasn’t watching. They still lost 28-10.

Don’t look now, but we might be taking a step down in the food chain.

A U.S.-based Team of Scientists from Conservation International said Monday they had discovered dozens of new species while combing through undersea fauna off Indonesia’s Papua province, including a shark that walks on its fins.

Evidently the shark will swim along the ocean bottom… using it’s fins to “walk” when it needs to maneuver at a different pace. Scientists have been unable to verify whether or not the sharks can walk on their hind fins, maneuver up and down stairs, or operate door knobs. They did caution that it is now no longer safe to open your door without visual confirmation when a stranger knocks and introduces themselves as a “Candygram” delivery person.

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By now everyone has seen the work of photographer Adnan Hajj as he captured the tragedies of the ongoing conflict in Beruit. And in the process, the due-diligence of a blogger to help identify the doctored photographs.

Two words… No Freakin Kidding. Look at them! How could they not be doctored? If the final image had been a little more public and printed in a local paper, my three-legged half-blind mutant cat could have picked it out as a fake!

First rule of photoshop, nimrod. When using the stamp tool… Don’t. Repeat. The Pattern! Surprised he didn’t try to insert a nude Jessica Alba on the city street holding a “Death To The Pig Dogs” banner.

If you have’t seen it yet, it’s something to behold. 500 decks of playing cards, 1,800 poker chips, and 800 dice were glued together by artist Bryan Berg to produce a life-size replica of the “Welcome to Fabulous Las Vegas” sign.

If you’d like to do the same, be sure to set aside the 450 hours it took him to do it. Good luck with that.

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A recent article on the AP reported that by studying the diets of 52 normal-weight adults and 52 overweight or obese adults, researchers found that normal-weight adults ate more fiber and fruit each day than their overweight and obese counterparts. The normal-weight adults were also 10 times more likely to crave Ho-Hos and Mountain Dew instead of the lousy fiber and fruit they normally eat.

Normal-weight adults consumed an average of 33 percent more dietary fiber and 43 percent more complex carbohydrates daily than their overweight and obese counterparts. Dietary fiber and complex carbohydrate intake were inversely related to body weight and “most strongly” to percent body fat.

In other words… we’re over-weight, unhealthy, and need to eat better. No. Kidding. What none of the researches in the study have concluded, however, is that we eat unhealthy food because it’s just flat out better. And easier with today’s high-paced work schedules and lifestyles. They need to give us alternatives that can actually be applied to reality. There are of course ways to supplement our diets with vitamins, protein pills, and various weight loss products. But these will only get us so far, and occasionally taste like powdered frog crap.

That leads us to the dreaded E word. If we don’t have time to diet properly, what makes anyone think we have the time to exercise! Unless you’re a professional body builder or action-hero stunt double… you can’t simply spend all of your waking hours exercising. So it’s my conclusion that it may be better to be happy, stress-free, and a little flabby than taut, trim, and munching on pine-cones during the morning drive. Call it my “Enjoy Your Shorter Life” diet.