CrankyRants.com

Wanna show that you’re as patriotic as the next guy, but favor Uncle Scrooge? With summer in full swing and the 4^th of July around the corner, try Home & Garden Decor at Online Discount Mart – “Uncle Sam’s on sale”, just in time. If you thought the weak dollar meant higher prices, perish the thought – dollar disounts abound.Flags, windspinners, sun catchers, wreaths – they’ve got it all. Add a birdhouse, or if your fancy goes that way, a toad house. Or get a figurine – a donkey, an elephant, a teddy bear, or a toad, for the animal in you. Let it all hang out, showing your true colors.

And they cater to the services rivalry too – specials focusing on Army, Navy, Airforce or Marines. I’d recommend a God Bless America - in tough times, special blessings are called for.

I must admit, some of the things on offer have me baffled. Like this “butterfly welcome sign”. Who taught butterflies to read? I’d have thought they prefer flowers, but then, I guess I’ve a lot to learn.

Here’s the latest in-thing for the uber-geek in you. Forget wired networks, or wi-fi. The future is fish networks. In their own aquariums (just search around). Or other bio-engineered novelties. Pigs have wings, and can fly. All five of them.

It’s enough to make you wonder what people have in their heads, when all that they can talk about is what others do with a foot. Play Football, that is. A few guys play, and millions of couch potatoes can’t think of anything else. World Cup, NFL, College football. And all the other abbreviations – FIFA, UEFA, FA, the list goes SOFA! And where the the idiot box goes, the GIGO morons are bound to follow. Take a look at AutumnThunder. From the name, you’d think it’s something to do with the weather. Or maybe one of the innumerable “Katrina” sites around? But no, that’s too logical. If it doesn’t have any other connection, it’s gotta be football. And regular isn’t enough. So help me, there’s Fantasy Football too! A forum for folks to trade opinions on football. And judging by the number of posts, plenty of opinions to be traded. 65 members, but over 54,000 posts. That’s about 800 opinions a head, give or take a few. And if words fail you, but you still want to make your presence felt, just vote. A “digg” style board where you can discuss – or just vote. Does anyone know a way to add negative votes?

All hail the latest trend in cosmetic surgery! After having abused your body, it’s time for the miracles of modern medicine. So you’ve got your face lifted, fat sucked out, breasts lifted and enlarged, and your tummy tucked. What’s left to turn you back into a “sweet sixteen”? Restoring your virginity. Hymen Repair Surgery, or repair virgin hymen, it’s called. Restore the hymen, tighten the vagina, as a way to improve sex life, or have a second honeymoon. It’s been common in the Middle East, where there’s an expectation that a “good girl” whom you’d marry, is a virgin. That’s where this surgery originated. But in the US? The religious and social taboos are probably not particularly valid now. Restoring your virginity. One of the sites talks about economic value of virginity. Given that this procedure costs anywhere from $2,000 to $5,000, the economic value is primarily to the surgeons and service providers. Hymenoplasty. Vaginal rejuvenation. Not exactly what you’d expect to hear talked about. But to quote Mary Blum, “It’s in the domain of ‘Will I buy a new car or get a hymenoplasty?’” But unlike the car, which you could expect will be around for repeated use, revirgination is good for one use only. After which, it’s back to the cutting board. After the serial facelifts, serial revirgination? The only other question remaining to be asked : “Would you buy a used car from this woman?”