CrankyRants.com

Don’t feel like waiting the few weeks to get an iPhone? Feel a little queasy about pumping more smugness into Apple’s already bloated sense of self by giving them a ton of money for little more than an ipod with a speaker?

Then you need to check out the newest phone from HTC, the “HTC Touch”, released Wednesday to T-Mobile customers. Sporting a 2.8-inch, 320-by-240, 65K-color touch screen and Windows Mobile 6, the HTC Touch offers many of the snazzy finger sweeps and swoops touted by Jobs and the iPhone as “groundbreaking”.

With the HTC Touch, a user can scroll through contacts, songs, or documents with simple finger movements, and can easily sync tunes and files with Windows Media Player and Vista systems.

No doubt Apple will find some way of suing for infringement of the technology that they rightfully stole themselves. Of course, Apple has a way of doing that. Xerox Parc point-and-click interface ring a bell, Stevie?

Thanks to Motorola’s newly announced successors to the popular RAZR phones, angry cell-phone shoppers are frantically scrambling to their phone outlets in what experts believe could be the trendiest mob of well-dressed urbanites in modern history.

 ”My… my phone! It’s slightly out of date!” shrieked John Berlonson, a software analyst and father of two.

“I simply can’t use this RAZR v3 anymore,” quipped Charlene Gubenstopper, hiding the phone within the folds of her jacket. “It’s nearly 3 months old and barely pushes the envelope at all anymore!”

Asked whether or not she would be content with a new KRZR, Miss Gubenstopper, a fashion consultant and weekend trend-setter threw her hands skyward, charging “Of course! God. It’s the only phone anyone will be seen with. Plus it’s got all of the features a young professional like me needs! It’s like 42 millimeters wide. This junky old v3 is like 54 millimeters. What is this, the middle ages or something?”

Motorola gives all of the credit to their researchers for developing the critical advances in techno-trendology required to produce the new KRZR and RIZR phones. Dramatic leaps in the field have made it possible to actually combine the GSM and CDMA technologies with a magnesium polished chrome and hardened glass finish, resulting in a reflective surface for the self-absorbed target market. The phones are also powered by a NiCaD battery that accepts a continuous charge from the owner’s sense of self-worth.

“I will never need another phone once I own one of these,” gasped Mr. Berlonson. “This will surely be the last, great, thin phone ever produced.”

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I stormed out of the Verizon store yesterday ready to drop them like a pissing frog.  And here I sit today committed to another 2 years with a new phone and little self-respect. No surprise I suppose, it’s not the first time I’ve done it.

I don’t ask for much when I walk in. I just want to renew my contract, upgrade my phones, and walk out. Instead I have to deal with the sad cold fact that the “New Every 2″ is a not-so-clever marketing mud-pie that’s crammed down our throats each visit. Completely worthless considering the $100 can not be used with any of their standard $100 off they already offer for most good phones.

Add to the fact that they have crippled important Bluetooth and WiFi functionality on their new Smartphones so you are all but required to use their freakish services, the bums. A recent update has rectified some of the damage, but it’s still left many soured.

That’s when I left, making sure to ask loudly how I’d go about transferring my number to the new Sprint account I’d be signing up for later that night. They smiled, told me it was easy, and looked me over with the unspoken “See You Soon” smirk they’ve learned from Corporate or circus gypsies or somewhere.

And they were right. After all of my additional research into other plans, comparing phone prices, weighing the fact that I can call nearly everyone else I know for free because Verizon has them caught in the Matrix as well… I gathered my dignity into a dixie cup, spent 2 hours waiting for them to activate two phones… and quietly walked out. I’ve now bought myself another 2 years to come up with a new exit strategy for the next time. Not likely, of course. But then, I’ve always been a slow learner.

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