The maker of the Segway scooter this week unveiled the second generation of its self-balancing electric one-person vehicle to the applause of self-important, non-athletic individuals everywhere. Popular among community police departments, shopping security, and those who feel walking is a burdensome chore, the new device offers all of the options that the lazy “idle spender” is looking for in a gadget.

“Walking’s for chumps”, announced Herbert Huckleminger of Lexington, Kentucky. “Without my Segwey, I’d just blend in with everyone else at the store instead of standing out like I deserve. Plus walking was causing me to loose unnecessary weight. I really see it as a transition vehicle to a Rascal or, hopefully someday, a wheelchair. Even standing on one of these things can stretch my muscles to the point of exercise. And I simply can’t abide that!”

The new scooters have a top speed of 12.5 miles per hour, and feature the capability to carry bags, golf clubs, and those who view walking as an unnecessary task in today’s modern world. “I’d rather ride than walk,” quipped Stanley Stergonson. “That’s all there is to it. The human race evolved away from the need for muscular legs and long arms to navigate their world. This is simply the next step!”

Future enhancements to the Seqway include a medical oxygen pump and battery operated food processor to completely assist busy commuters deal with the hassles of breathing and chewing their food.

“Technology is the best,” cited Stergonson. “I totally can’t wait until the day when I’ll be sealed in a cylindrical tube 24-7 with all of those tubes and wires and stuff? That’ll be the best.”


Get the latest on diversity issues in the workplace at Diversity Jobs.