From the towering Great Dane to the feisty little Chihuahua, all dogs are brothers under the skin. Now, researchers have uncovered a reason why the animals wearing that skin vary so much in size.

Dogs have the largest variation in body size of any land animal, so researchers led by Elaine A. Ostrander of the National Human Genome Research Institute decided to look into the reasons why.

They found a section of genes that controls small size in dogs and reported their results in Friday’s issue of the journal Science.

This is it. This is officially what our best and brightest are now spending their research efforts on. We have hunger ravaging our planet. Disease sweeping through populations. Unidentified objects falling from the sky and troubling our elected officials. And this is what we’re studying now.

Why Great Danes are bigger than poodles.

I can appreciate that there is a genetic puzzle to unravel in just about every aspect of life. And of course I can understand the need to learn about human DNA testing through the discoveries brought about in the study of animals. But still. We’re studying what makes big doggies bigger than little doggies. It’s like Dr. Ostrander was late for work on “Select Your Genetic Area of Research” day at the NHGR Institute. “Dammit! All the good one’s are taken! Fine. So it’s between ‘Why cats flick their tails when they’re trying to hide’… and ‘Why some dogs are really really big.’ I freaking hate cats… so…”

The good news, is that through the Institute’s research, we may finally be able to get help for the more pathetic dog breeds. Yippy dogs throughout the world can hold out hope that one day… there may be a cure. Furless, shivering Chihuahua’s, through the tireless efforts of the Genome Project and their wealthy benefactor, the mysterious “Paris H.”, can now hold their tiny golf-ball-sized heads high. Knowing that someday. Someday soon! They may be slightly bigger and have hair follicles.

The march of science staggers on.


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