I’ve reached the conclusion that if I’m ever going to own a professional sports team, I need to stop screwing around and get started like … now. I’ve come to terms with the fact that I graduated from the same university as NBA owner Mark Cuban, and at about the same time… but he currently owns a lot more professional sports teams than I do. So, I’m sort of behind the curve at this point.

A friend sent me a link to a new open source software application that let’s you run your own auction site. My very own eBay, if you will. Lot’s of bells and whistles, windows-based applications to track the progress of the auctions and such. Real class act. So I’m fairly certain this will be my ticket to the NFL owner’s meeting that I have so far been unable to attend. It’s all politics, you know.

So here’s how it will work. I’ll use iLance to create an auction site where individuals will bid on the opportunity to be in my billionaire entourage. No billionaire travels anywhere without faithful lackeys to throw my glass of water in the waiter’s face because the ice isn’t cold enough or something.

This new auction site… called iSuckup.com of course, will offer up specific positions to fill within my toady organization. Highest bidder wins the right to call themself my “Low-life Gopher”… or maybe my personal “Funny Drunk Girl Who Passes Out at High-profile Parties”.

I’m clearly going to need at least two “Guy Who Gets Busted with Drugs While Driving My Car” guys. You see them in the news a lot, so having several on the team will only help keep my profile on the upswing. 

Perhaps some smaller, part-time positions could be made available as well, like “Confidence Builder of the Week”. Highest bidder gets to send me emails telling me what a great job I’m doing for an entire week. I’ll also need a team of personal “Yes Men” or “Yes Women” to bounce ideas off of. You can never be told you’re right often enough in today’s business world.

Once the site is operational and the millions start to roll in, my profile will be so high that I’ll be able to use iLance to hold reverse auctions for those that would like the honor of selling me their professional sports team. I’m a realist, so I know I won’t be able to get a good team at first. I’ll probably have to start out with the Cleveland Browns or the Golden State Warriors or something like that. But with a little patience, the offers will roll in.

When Cuban calls to sell me the Mavs, I’ll lead him on a bit… then hang up on him. That’s just the way it’s done.